01:05 AM

Finding that 'spark' ... again

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It’s currently 01:05 am on a Thursday that is yet to come. My fairy lights are lit, casting a warm illumination in the room, whilst my blanket is wrapped snugly around me. I should be sleeping, dreaming, hallucinating, but I can’t. Well, I have chosen not to. Lately, this feeling of wanting to do nothing is, ironically, all I seem to be doing. Things have become so repetitive that I’ve been lost in a state of off-brand déjà vu.

On my blog, I try to promote the idea of making the most out of your situation, trying to remain positive and just overall trying to attempt life unapologetically. Honestly, it’s no joke that this pandemic has affected everyone's lives - for the worst, and some tragically. Though I try to advocate for taking everything as a learning lesson, I do not want to be taught. The student in me retired at the start of this pandemic.

I don’t know whether I’m hoping for the best or expecting the worst. Which, embarrassingly, explains why I’m up at 01:05 am. I am hoping for the best, but every day and every lockdown press conference held pulls my hope value more negatively.

This is not to aggravate any pending doom you may have, it's merely a support group I’ve formulated: me, you & and the unwelcomed mental side effects of this pandemic. You are not the only one feeling clueless, helpless, drained and hurt from the sudden shift in our world. This was not something that was foreseen in our ‘five years from now.’ Many of us had timelines scrapped, events cancelled, holidays refunded, loss… and uncertainty for the future…

I can’t even say: that’s life. This is not life, this is a temporary state that we must continue to believe will shift soon, for the better. The only way we can do this collectively is if we follow guidelines, guard and upkeep our mental health, keep the people we have in our lives close, and any moment we have right now, indulge in it.

It’s often easy to forget that every breath of air we breathe is worth living for.

However, the feelings lately have been so numb. The things that used to make us happy are scented with blissful memories of the life we once took for granted.

This sounds weird enough, but I miss getting on a crowded bus when it’s raining with the windows covered in steam. You’ll hear someone's child with a tearful cry, the person opposite you nodding his head with earphones, intentionally unaware of the chaos that had awakened. The cars in the other lane creeping and beeping forward in the slow traffic. The bus driver will stop at the side of the road yelling over the static of the radio that we must move down, or ‘no standing on the upper deck or stairs, please.’ You’d start to notice the time, and you’re going to be late. The engine will rumble to a start, and you'll sigh, skipping to a song to something fitting to your current ill mood you’ve now decided to blast into your ear.

As I reminisce, it’s clear that life will not resume to ‘lifeness’ for a while. (Actually, the more I think about it, being that close to people was not hygienic nor pleasant, but that's an aspect of life we won't be returning to in the near future.)

I got caught up in the idea that this pandemic would have been over before the start of the new year. The more every day comes, the more changes it bares. I’ve learnt that in a time of uncertainty, you don’t need to be overachieving or doing big things - you just need to start something small. You need to find a small spark to your fire of desires and hold onto that till you can set yourself ablaze in greatness.

Everyone’s circumstance is different, so the meaning of ‘normal’ life will not be the same for all. The best thing I can say is that this too shall pass. Wherever you can, how often you can, and how much you can, try and make the most of every day. You don’t need to be researching the stock market, investing, building a business or hustling. Sometimes, making the most out of your day is finding one moment, no matter how small, where you feel okay; where you felt a split moment of joy; where you laughed; hugged someone; did that eye smile thing with your mask, or drank a sip of water.

Unfortunately, I do not have any solid answers to finding a sense of spark during this pandemic, so I apologize for the clickbait. I used to pride myself in the ability to logically think of solutions and give appropriate advice. I still do, but sometimes what you need isn't advice or solutions, but comfort. The comfort that you're not the only one in this world filled with social media achievers, where you seem to be struggling.

I think the hardest part of seeking help is feeling like you're exposed and singled out. The thing is, everyone, displays their polished side. No one willingly subjects themselves to vulnerability. The sad part is if we were more vulnerable, more conversations would happen, more support would be given and the pressure to be 100% okay wouldn't be so centralized. I'm not glorifying sadness in any way, but validating them as feelings we are yet to understand, rather than suppress.

Looking after your mental health is something that should be your priority, especially now, but every day there seems to be something preventing that successful motive. I am obviously not a therapist, and this is just a general message, but things will get better, no matter how dreadful things may be.

Below are some activities you can do to find a sense of 'self'; while feeling ‘stuck’ on repeat. You can also save the image (below) for reference if you would like to print it out.

1. Write a letter to your pre-pandemic self, letting them know one positive thing that happened during this pandemic, despite the odds

2. Write a bucket list of 10 things you want to do after COVID-19

3. (Safely) Go for an early morning jog/walk

4. Take pictures of the sunrise on three different days

5. Write down 10 things you are grateful for

6. Learn a phrase you always say in 4 different languages

7. Watch a film that’s not in your native language and without subtitles

8. Do a paint-by-numbers project

9. Do a 1000+ puzzle and frame it

10. Write a ‘thank-you’ note to someone that deserves it

11. Learn the alphabet in sign language

12. Have a spa day/warm decorative bath

13. Have a karaoke night: solo, with family or virtually with friends

14. Learn a dance to your favourite music video

15. Get a plant to look after

16. Create a (physical) album with all the unexplainable, memorable and memes in your phone. Write descriptions on the back of the photos

17. Go on an old games website you used to play on as a child

18. Buy a candle kit and make your own candle

19. Write down the recipes of your favourite meals

20. Create a playlist of all your favourite throwback songs