Self-Acceptance

As I sit here typing at this blank space painfully filled with the random thoughts coming to my mind, my eyes are burning after a long day. I've sat at my table typing and backspacing for the past fifteen minutes wondering what to write and how to write what I want to say.

When I started this blog, my aim was to have a platform where I could go and set free the different aspects of my life in a space where, years from now I could look back and see how far I've come. This was a letter to myself (and I guess others) where I could hold comfort that everything would be okay. I wrote about being unapologetic, doing things that make you happy, not caring what others think and how we only live one life, yet, I've let the pressure of sharing something personal create a rift between my creative and my appearance. How do I sit here and tell you all the things wrong with me, and expect you, to listen to all I have to say? How do I sit here and write for the internet to read about all the turmoil I've been through? At the end of day, I really am a hypocrite. I would rather appear to be this optimistic person dishing out advice for my one reader (hi, mum) than tell you all the things I've done, the things that I don't even want to talk about to other people, not even to myself.

After my last post, I had others messaging me telling me how much they liked it (turns out I didn't have just one reader). As confident as I may seem to others in my not so immediate life, I couldn't believe that I had an impact on others, that they enjoyed what I had put out into the world, even with the spelling errors. A good friend of mine, DL, came in and unknowingly reminded me, what it was this blog was about. It was a prayer answered. Being in my faith has brought me to places I never thought I would get out of. What is the point in trying to help others if I can't even admit to myself that I too needed help being this person people seem to adore? I needed to be more authentic instead of being so distant in my posts. Which, ironically enough, makes this title of the next self growth series perfect.

Proverbs 20:30 'Sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways' (GNT)

Religious or not, this goes without say, it does take a painful experience to make us change our ways. Change is inevitable and there are toxic things in our lives, whether self-provoked or hurdles life throws for us to cross. Though others have their own personal obstacle they are yet to face or are facing, there is a moment, or moments in our lives where we hit rock bottom. We hit rock bottom left to face our biggest nightmares, ourselves.

And I was an ugly mofo.

I would put on a happy face as my makeup and step out into the world pretending like the thoughts in my head wasn't consuming me. Asides from being a one emotion kinda gyal, aka, sad, there were so many things I wish I could 'edit' in my life to the point where I disregarded all the 'good things' about me. Especially, the things people would praise me about. Taking a compliment was like shoving hot coal down my throat. (Don't try that at home, please.)

"You're so smart!"

- No, I'm not.

"You're so pretty?"

- Must you lie to your eyes?

"Your body is amazing!"

- Do you see these mosquito bites on my chest?

"You're so funny!"

- On my good days, yes.

"You look sad..."

- No I'm not, I'm just tried.

"Are you okay?"

- I'm fine.

"Smile!"

- I will b*tch slap you with my resting b*tch face, Karen!

Over the years, the compliments I used to receive turned into questions filled with concern. I had the lowest amount of confidence in myself to the point where I thought a compliment from a stranger was filled with some sort of sympathy. I disregarded anything positive about myself as something that wasn't special. I'm sure one day I'll have a baby of my own who will love my itty bitty titties more than me. (And love them a lot, now).

We get so uncomfortable in the mindset we live in that we make others uncomfortable. I'm also a crippling perfectionist. I had about four blogs before I had this one. I never liked anything about it so I would delete it and start again. There is a lot more to go into, but the underlying message is: I refused to accept myself and anything that came from me. My mindset.

I, growing up, didn't know what type of person I was. I would do every and anything to prove how good I was at this and that, quit, never staying long enough to love it. The most frustrating part? Others around me had it all 'figured' out. It got to the point where I didn't quite 'fit in.' I was jealous of the way people could express themselves while I sat there wanting to break free of this shell I had 'seemingly' created. I had cared more about how people would perceive me rather than how I would look at the woman with mosquito bite sized boobs in the mirror and tell her she special. The reality, I was drowning in a flood of appearances I tried to keep up.

I was a tormented people pleaser.

My efforts in trying to please everyone made me dislike myself for what I wasn't. I disliked my body, because it wasn't what the movies, the tv shows, the songs, the boys found idealistic. My efforts in being this peppy, happy, do-anything-to-please-anyone so I could feel good about myself. Why? I had convinced myself I was never enough. I still tell my self I will never be enough -that I will always just be me, and that was more than all I needed. However, for the most part, I was unhappy descending into a depression that sucked me dry.

The emotional turmoil that came with my mindset was being fed by things life had thrown at me, and saturated in my own self pity that I had created my own barrier.

I had a tendency to push people away in any way I could. Be it my attitude, ghosting, or simply just not being asked to converse with others. The bottom line was, I wasn't an emotional or open person. I couldn't understand why, and I concluded after all these years that others around me didn't know why either. It affected my personal relationships to the point where I was losing friends, distancing myself from the people around me, affecting my school life...my mental health. Why? I loathed myself. Like a grey cloud on a sunny day. That was hard to write, I'll admit. I think this is the first time I've actually admitted why I did the things I did. Selfish, I know, but why do we do the things we do?

Yes, I had gone through some painful experiences, but I never had the courage to even try and push through them. Until this year.

I had my first heartbreak, when I realised just how much I didn't love myself. Like learning to walk again, I've started to learn to love myself. I'm accepting who I am. I figure, as long as you can love yourself, your mind will be your default euphoria, and sadness will be a wave that passes. I finally shimmied some of the dead weight of my shoulders. I began to accept the person I was becoming. There are some things I'm stilling learning about myself, and I can only grow in fruitful soil i.e. the people I chose to console in, the priorities I set in my life and what I choose to spend my time on. Lastly, to continue to grow in my faith.

I started to change my ways, for my happiness and purpose. I began to compliment my life with things that brought me joy - attempting to please myself. It's so easy to get caught up in the world and what it is doing. We can't control the things life throw at us, we can't swipe left and un-match the challenges that come our way. The only thing we can do is admit when we need help, especially, to ourselves. My pride held me back from expressing the person I was, from talking about things and trying to change certain situations in my life by just voicing my opinions. I've stumbled a few times, and some days are better than others but, we can only progress, looking ahead to all the good things we can influence in our lives.

I will be writing a next part to 'Self-acceptance' but for now, this blank space has been filled with a revelation that took too long to come to pass.

I can't speak on everyone's situation, and each to their own, but:

Sometimes, if you look hard enough, you'll see the silver lining isn't too far away.

What has been a grey cloud over your life?