Self Awareness

I'm not going to apologise for taking long to update, but I am going to take full responsibility for my poor management skills. Let's see how often I can keep up with my consecutive posts. Speaking of which, the next title for the Self Growth series is Self-awareness, and I being the professional (I'm not, so if you realise that you ain't shite it's really at your own discretion) found that in order to wholly not give two flying ducks, you have to be in tune with yourself. The first step is being self-aware. What is self-awareness you may or may not be asking?

Self-awareness. Oh boy. I remember after every half term in school we would have a self-reflection exercise. There was nothing worse than talking about yourself with all your weaknesses and strengths. The awkward part wasn't writing about it, it was not knowing what to write. How do you sit there and downplay yourself, and then go on to talk about how a useless individual such as yourself was also good at 'XYZ'. Then there are the job interviews where they would ask the same questions. There is no doubt that talking about yourself is daunting, especially to some random stranger you've just told your whole life story to but how do you communicate ... with yourself?

Welp! Through self-awareness:

• Having a clear perception of your personality, strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, beliefs, motivations and emotions.

• It allows you to understand other people, how they perceive you, your attitude & your responses to them in the moment

People tend to say that they're going to travel the world in order 'find themselves', some just go to a university far away enough to just 'experience life' costing them £9k+ a year do up dukery. There is nothing wrong with that and I'm not criticising anyone, that's not the point, the point is, why do we tend to get lost in order to find ourselves?

The people we have in our immediate we tend to respect their opinions more than some next stranger on the internet *ahem, me* or someone we met five seconds ago...that should be the case, right? Yet we go crazy when someone who doesn't even know us attack us at all our insecurities we didn't have one filter-saturated post ago. I'm going off-topic and that's another post in itself. The people in our immediate lives have known us the longest, they've seen us as our weakest, strongest, most vulnerable and confused. How do they go from the person they knew to this new person you're transitioning into? People change, like caterpillars into butterflies, or maggots into flies, some men into the trash... (don't hate me, hate the game). Sometimes the change is so big, we also don't recognise ourselves or the life we used to live, and that's scary in itself. That we suppress ourselves to subconsciously please other around us or do we just develop into our characters over time? Perhaps both. What does that say? It doesn't mean we should pretend that we weren't a disgusting human being, but that we have changed for the better without judging anyone!

There are stages, I feel, that we go through on your life long journey or premature midlife crisis:

The frustration

Have you ever had a conversation with someone that was boring? Like you wished you could be doing anything at all but entertaining that person and that weak conversation to the point where you teleport your soul to a different time a place. Just long enough until the 'huh' that slips out gets you caught. That's that feeling, the feeling like you could be doing something else, entertaining other unknown areas of your life but you're stuck in this ideology of a person you have conceived in your head based on what you think will please the most people. That frustration makes you wake up dreading the day to come, knowing you have to put on a brave face because you've created this illusion that you are happy with what you are doing and can't seem to find a way to change it because you're scared.

The butterfly effect

The weird transition between figuring out what you like now and the things you don't. The things you will now accept and the things you won't let slide. The awkward stage of trying to put yourself first without feeling guilty, and trying to remember that every decision you make, ultimately affects your happiness, which, although selfish, is really what matters. Then there's the pissing people off because 'you've changed' than losing those same people that used to care about you and trying to meet new people that accept this new you. The one change that will affect the environment you chose to grow and live in.

The storm

You've accepted that this new you make you happier, and it feels so natural you enjoy being alone with yourself. A lot of people despise the quietness, being alone with only your thoughts and it's almost crazy! Maddening! The quietest voice you have in your subconscious, no matter how loud, how hard you scream in your head, it makes not a sound in the outside world. Isn't it funny we use the phrase, 'I can't hear myself think' when you're in a loud environment? Yet when we are alone, we don't what to hear ourselves think, because being alone is so much worse than being with people you absolutely can't stand. We'd rather surround ourselves with people we really don't like than be alone. We'd rather forget about our worries temporally with the things that harm us than attempt to deal with them head-on. Isn't it sad? The things that make us miserable bring more joy that our internal peace?

The change

If you managed to overcome the storm, realising that you deserve better than what you're allowing yourself to feel, you allow yourself to change your situation and your approach; accepting the fact that you won't go back to that place that disturbed your peace. The change is uncomfortable, you almost don't know what you're feeling, how you're supposed to feel, how to act, how to survive without your old habits. It's tantalising. The temptation to go back to your old ways for it's the only thing you know. How do you live in this change and be comfortable? You don't. Change isn't supposed to be 100% comfortable, it is meant to be whatever you want to be while satisfied that you are happy without restraint or pressure to feeling happy. In other words, not giving a duck. (This spell check is going to have to catch these hands because....)

So all of these fancy titles and nothing about how to achieve self-awareness. There's no achieving self-awareness, it's a constant act. So how do we start?

1) Understand you have fluctuating emotions.

Things are going to make you sad, angry, upset, confused, happy, frustrated, unsure, and even emotionless. Do you honestly know when you're feeling these emotions in the moment, or does it take you a while to comprehend how you feel? It doesn't matter how long it takes you, but that you can accept that a certain situation makes you feel XYZ, and not feel guilty about. If you don't know what makes you happy, upset or angry, how will people have a relationship with you? The same way there is a solution for a troubleshoot on your computer or phone, the same way when you have you will develop a troubleshoot for your emotions. The ability to remove or put yourself in a situation that will compliment your feelings to relieve the uncomfortableness, and that's not the be confused with turning to comfort to soothe your emotions, but to confront them. i.e. This is making me upset, how can I resolve this?

2) You come first

The worst thing you can do is be a people pleaser. You live with yourself 24/7, even if you do live with other people, the first thing to greet you in the morning, is your thoughts, the last? You guessed it, your thoughts. It's honestly exhausting trying to make others happy when your intentions are simply to be liked. When you put your happiness first, your energy that goes out into the world reflects that back on you. When you thrive in your own environment, you'll find that people are drawn to you! The same way the blossoming rose gets admired, and the wilting rose gets the odd glance. That's not saying we're going to be self-obsessed and ignorant to others around us, but loving yourself, shows you how to love others too. Being bitterly selfish leaves you alone if all you do is hurt others to make you 'appear happy'. That's not love, that is self-sabotage. You shouldn't ever have to fell the need to belittle yourself in order to fit the compliance of others.

3) Self-care is therapeutic

Treat yourself to a spa day, some alone time, a movie date, eating more fruits and vegetables, drinking plenty of water, leaving that toxic person out of your life, leaving the booty-call text to another time when you aren't emotionally vulnerable. Yes, sis, we know, it's tempting but not tonight. If he can wait all day to text you late at night, he can wait too. After all, he's shown you how patient he can be with his time.

I'm going to attempt to make a self-care package when I stop being a hypocrite because not even I listen to my own advice and that's self-sabotage on its own. Anyways, *nervous cough* With this new change, after becoming more self-aware of the person you are, find the things that bring you joy, the littlest things and delve into them more! Create a banging playlist and get lost dancing with your two left feet! Taking a bath while binging Netflix, listing to an audiobook or catching up with a long phone call. Yeah, travelling is cool, but have you ever taken yourself out on a date? Yeah, no, me neither, but that's going to be on my new list of things to do while not giving AF! No one owes you anything in life, that means only you can give you what you want.

Also, here are some questions to ask yourself if you have no idea where to start understanding the person you are.

• What scared me the most last 3 years? What is its position in my life now?

• What am I looking forward to the next 3 years?

• What's on my wishlist? Do I have a wishlist?

• Have I cancelled that free subscription? (okay, I'm joking, but seriously, have you?)

• What am I insecure about?

• What do I love the most about myself?

• What are my triggers?

• Where is the lowest I've ever been?

• Am I at my lowest now?

• Who or what do I look to for comfort?

• What occupies most of my time? Is it productive or benefiting me?

• What do I wish I could be doing more?

• Do I respect myself?

• How do I respect myself?

• Are you stilling reading?

• What are the qualities I look for in my friends/ partner?

• Do I display those qualities in the way I treat myself?

Again, I'm not a professional, but I'm talking to you the same I would myself or someone I care about. If you genuinely need help, go and get it while you can! Being self-awareness opens up new doors to the way you perceive the world and your place in it. Have a go!